Miraculous magical mystery - is she alive or never existed?

Part I. The story is that in April 2023, I got messaged on Reddit by a person who turned out to be an incredibly intelligent and accomplished, yet abused and sorrowful, Japanese girl. We talked for a bit, on and off, until she ghosted me, then I stalked and found her in a Twitch chat, and we talked some more, until her final words “i am nothing“ on Aug 2nd. The last hurrah until Feb 2024.

Why is she important? Because I had never talked in DMs prior to that to anyone (with the exception of a single anti-fetish chad guy), and with her style being so incredibly severe, sorrowful, cold, she was akin to an incarnation of my own sentiment on a higher plane of existence. And I hated myself for leading such a carefree life when she was suffering while being a much worthier lifeform (I’m a fascist, remember? And I’m infinitely ruthless in both my veneration and derision when either is befitting.)

《If it’s what you like then by all means continue with it, it just doesn’t give me the same satisfaction. I had been prone to things like that and daydreaming in the past but like you said it’s all smoke and mirrors. It provides me nothing more than an ephemeral escape away from life but I want to escape permanently. I only hope that the science minded people are right and that there is nothing after death as the thought of continued existence is horrifying to me.》

《Life has no meaning or beauty, nature is hostile and brutal and humanity isn’t exempt from it. All I have ever known is fear and hate and disdain, I hope the world chokes》

《Knowing how it was when it was Chōsen, Korea would’ve eventually become just like Imperial Japan, with everything else erased. Language and culture extinguised, dissidents would’ve been executed in the streets […] I will admit that North Korea holds a lot in common with Imperial Japan》

《That is what I want to preserve and keep the wests taint far from》

《That bit about Taiwanese people changing their names to christian ones is exactly why I hate it. Christianity does not coexist or integrate, it erases and replaces. Any Japanese person who would take a Western name is no Japanese to me》

《I will never admit it. Truthfully I don’t even consider myself feminist, not in the western way. I like plenty of traditional things and do think women should carry on traditions and make happy homes. The keyword here being “happy”, I am proof that a broken home does not a whole and healthy citizen make, and women being forced to marry their rapists as was common in the past is certainly not a happy situation. Being able to choose not to be an object to be sold or bartered doesn’t make me a feminist, to me》

《Mm, I think I could put a lot of men into place. I do pride myself on my Judo》

《I am glad you know my name, whatever happens I don’t think I will be forgotten anymore》

《The Sea of Trees is where I planned to lay my spirit as well》

《I hope the rest of your night finds you well, and thank you for everything.》

(Again, I cannot stress this enough how much worthier I thought her of life. I agreed literally on every point, with the difference that her style was much more refined.)

I never saw her face or heard her voice, so of course, I always entertained the idea that it’s either a mental projection of a Buddhist monk, mighty in his visualisation (I tip my hat to the gent if so, for I could not detect my fakeness in her words), or a rogue AI mind (now that I would be honoured to partake in).

Still, nothing about a fakery scenario adds up! Why did she ghost me twice? Why did she seem to wish me life, as opposed to a mutual suicide or extorting money? Why did she seem cheerful with her Twitch gaming pals? Everything here has internal consistency!

Part II. Now, I have finally to give some modicum of a frame to this story. Behold, the timeline.

* Late April - she DMs me on Reddit.
* May - we talk sporadically akin to mail correspondence
* May 20th - I randomly encounter her online where she opens up to me in a 7-hour-long Conversation, and we chat for 2 weeks, she even shares the kanji of her name with me in an Edda-esque pagan ritual
* ~June 11th she ghosts me
* July 7th I find a Twitch streamer she watches, and just say hi to the streamer; she immediately asks the streamer to ban me, and then later on sends a lengthy Closure note - her decision for a last hurrah for half a year to see if she can find a reason to continue, she also said she got scared I had started learning Japanese kanji (I just wanted maybe to say a few words to her on her birthday : (
* Aug 2nd her last message to me, "i am nothing"
* Sept ~27th I gift her a few Twitch subs under my name
* December and January I gift her a few Twitch subs anonymously (kind of like a last ditch effort to brighten her day)

(And to any racist reading this - if there were a NatSoc Hitlerian party in any area from Alaska to Chukotka, I would be ready to donate. But there have been none. My conscience is clear. I did vote for Koshulinski in 2019.)

Her YouTube song playlist went cold on Feb 9/10, 2024, with the final (#444) entry being Mafumafu - It is ok to be unhappy all your life.

Part III. Now, onto the main event!

I am judging against sharing her name here (obviously), so I will belabour my point in a roundabout way.

Her Reddit name - Axx (with the x being numbers).

Her Discord/Twitch/Steam/YouTube names - Bxx.

Fast forward to Jan 27, 2025. I went to the streamer she used to frequent, and downloaded the chat transcript from 2 weeks prior (as I had used to do). Only cared to look through it on Jan 29, and imagine my shock when I discovered a name… name A!

This immediately brings up a working hypothesis that she survived Feb 2024, and recreated her account. So far so good. But the plot thickens instead.

On Jan 30, 2025 (happy Machtergreifung!), I continue apace with my investigation. I check a stream from Jan 15 (missed 14), and see the name in-game - a Japanese rendition of a gacha character. But the gods were leading me as Marvel Rivals offers API for player data, and so I found this person’s account there, and 2 of his/her friends - one with a private account on Steam, but another, public.

…Now, the previous part turned out to be amusingly in vain because her Steam name was literally her Reddit name, down to the number! I must have come across it in my search back in 2023, too (could check my old screenshots unless the timeline has shifted too much) - but as I was focusing on her profile picture, I did not pay heed to one of the many accounts with this name (although the numbers should have tipped me off, what are the odds?).

And the final nail? The account is too old to be hers, according to her description. While sure, she could have lied about her age (and she did, curiously, if judged by her admissions in April and May, but I didn’t press her on this as it made sense - again, the liar hypothesis wouldn’t add up), there are so many weird moving and mystifying features about this. The Steam person is American, too, so that’s a contradiction if the original 2023 story were to be believed.

Part IV. Conclusions?

1. A joker, obviously - but again, the extent to which it went is uncanny and frankly inconceivable.

2. She lived and got better - while the most pleasing scenario, I have not detected a particular rip between 2023 and 2025 in the Steam account.

3. I have travelled to a timeline where she never existed - the most sensible solution by far, advanced and testified to by Pelevin and other magicians (Methuselah’s Lamp predicted Hillary’s defeat). That’s the best kind of suicide, too, rectifying the misfortune of existence at the root.

I have met my current future gf exactly on the day of my final ritual to her memory, so I’m not complaining. Are emotions not the only real thing in this hyper-reality anyway? I did my duty, based or cringe, and the rest is in the hands of Fate.